Are you wondering how to mend a broken heart? Have you struggled with repeating patterns in relationships? In this episode, SLSP host Tatiana Berindei and Dr. Gary Salyer, author of the book Safe to Love Again, discuss what is at the root of these repeating patterns and how to stop them. They cover what causes heartbreak, what we all have a born right to feel and how to rewire destructive patterning in the brain that causes us to repeat unhealthy relationship cycles. Tune in to start your journey from heartbreak back to wholeness today.
Hello everyone and welcome to the Sex, Love and SuperPowers Podcast Show. I’m your host, Tatiana Berindei, and today I am very delighted to have with me Gary Salyer, and we are going to be discussing how to mend a broken heart. Very important topic. Before we get started, let me tell you a little bit about Dr. Gary Salyer. After his first divorce, he vowed that his next marriage would be different, so when his second marriage crumbled almost a decade later for nearly the same reasons, he was devastated. He felt like an utter and complete failure.
But rather than give in, he was determined to find another way. He committed to not being that guy who bounced from marriage to marriage, never really learning anything. So he dedicated himself to doing the deep research about all things love. He read, researched, furthered his education in the field, talked to experts into people he loved. But most of all, he did the deep transformational work that unlocked his heart and released his soul to love as he had always imagined. Love and how to make it lasting became his life’s highest calling, not just for himself, but others. In so doing, he has developed a powerful and effective methodology to make it safe to love again for those who may have even given up hope.
Based on a field of study called attachment theory, the science of intimate relationships, Dr Salyer’s insights have a profound and often times immediate impact. Because of its innovative new approach that rewires brains for secure love, singles and couples experience deep, lasting shifts that happen in easy, natural ways. The author of Safe to Love Again: How to Release the Pain of Past Relationships and Create the Love You Deserve, Dr. Salyer also offers experiential interactive programs through his Safe to Love Again workshop and Extraordinary Couples and Extraordinary Singles retreats. Thank you so much for coming on the show and I love your bio because it reads like a story, and I love that.
Thank you, Tatiana. It’s a pleasure and an honor to be here.
No one is exempt from our starter question. So I’m going to ask you to share with our audience what your superpowers are.
Well, my superpowers are, I’m able to feel deeply into people, so I can feel the missing feelings that have determined their fate with love, so I can give them back the more positive feelings and they can attract the love they want.
Well, that’s a very fascinating superpower. How exactly do you do that? How do you give someone back feelings that they have lost?
Well, there are four key feelings that everybody on the planet when they feel loved, they feel. And when they don’t feel loved, then they feel something else. The key feelings and I’m feeling for is, do they have a right to feel welcomed with joy? Do they feel worthy and nourished in that relationship? Do they feel cherished and protected in that relationship or whoever they are choosing, if they’re single, and do they feel empowered with choice? And when you listen into the story or how they’re saying things or the patterns, and you can feel, “Wow, they keep attracting unwelcoming, or unworthy or unsure, or disempowering.” That’s when people complain, “I keep attracting Mr. And Mrs. Wrong,” or, “We keep having the same horrible argument. We keep alienating each other,” for couples. Those four feelings are driving things. So you want to listen in. Be real careful between the cracks of the story for what feeling is driving the story in the first place. If you get to the feeling you’re down to the main driver, so to speak.
So this is interesting and correlates well with what I’ve also found in my work with clients. And what I often find within the context of relationship is if someone is not feeling those things in relationship, they’re not feeling those things for themselves outside of relationship to be fully feeling one’s worth, to feel empowered to feel agency in making choices in one’s life. Do you find that to also be true?
Yes. Yes. These things are deeply embedded usually by the time we’re one, and whatever shows up a lot, whatever that feeling, we actually learn from love. We can either feel welcomed and worthy and cherished and empowered or maybe one of the others like unwelcomed, unworthy, uncherished, disempowered. Those feelings will grow legs and walk out of relationships and love and they rarely stay in that little tidy corner of our lives called love. They’ll work themselves in business. They’ll work themselves out in health. They go everywhere. That’s why I said it was the operating system.
Absolutely. There are people who equate love with God, so it makes a lot of sense that it would ripple out everywhere if we’re disconnected from that source of love.
What do you find, since we’re talking about how to mend a broken heart here, what do you find to be one of the most common causes of heartbreak in your work and in your study? What have you found?
Gosh, heartbreak is almost unique to everybody, the exact flavor, but there are patterns. Personally, I think there’s one big one going on in our society. There’s an epidemic, Tatiana, of unworthiness. The rampant ghosting is playing havoc with people’s ability to say, “I’m worthy of having love.” I once spoke on a stage in Phoenix and there was a young woman, 28, 32, and she just stands and says, “Look, I’m just a young woman wanting to find her guy and settle down and raise a family.” She goes, “Every time, this happened like four or five times, I get to the third or fourth month, the guy looks at me and says, ‘Baby, you know, there may be someone better out there. I’ve got to go back and start dating.'” And she goes, “What am I, chopped liver?”
And she looked like your all American girl next door. But here she was getting this whole thing driven by, “There may be someone better out there,” and people wanting to swipe left rather than swipe down and get to somebody, and it was really chopped liver. That’s just another way of saying all of this internet dating, the downside is all those choices mean we are afraid of making commitments and there may be someone better and it’s driving everybody to feel.
Yeah. And it’s not only in the relationship arena, like you said. It’s also in business, or you know what I mean, you find the grass is always greener, right?
Well, I just saw something on LinkedIn that HR, it’s not just ghosting that happens. In love, they’re finding out that people are just not showing up for job interviews and it’s gone cultural. It’s just gone totally AWOL out there. And I personally think ghosting, we know from attachment science, is one of the most corrosive things you can do to someone’s lifestyle. It’s abusive is what it is. It creates abandonment stuff. Every last one of us, even the most secure, will feel that pinge of, “What happened? Why me?” And I think it’s something in this culture. We’ve got to have some common decency.
So we’re going to talk more about that because I really want to dive deeper into that. We do have to go to a quick break. Before we go to the break, will you tell our listeners where they can go to find out more about you and your work?
Beautiful. So we’re talking with Gary Salyer about how to mend a broken heart. More when we get back. Stay tuned. You don’t want to miss this one.