Hello everyone. Welcome to the Sex, Love, and SuperPowers podcast show. I am your host, Tatiana Berindei. and today I have a very special guest with me, Miss Vanessa Marin. We are going to be discussing reigniting the spark in the bedroom. So let me tell you a little bit about Vanessa before we dive into this very juicy topic today.
Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy. She’s here to help you stop feeling embarrassed about sex and start having way more fun in the bedroom. She has a Bachelor’s Degree in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University and a Master’s degree in counseling psychology. She writes for the New York Times, Allure and Life Hacker and has been featured over a thousand times in major publications like the Oprah magazine, Harper’s Bazaar, Refinery 29, and Real Simple.
Vanessa specializes in online programs that help you transform your sex life from ordinary to extraordinary, all from the comfort and privacy of your own home. Through courses like, The Passion Project, A Couple’s Blueprint to Rediscovering Desire and Reigniting the Spark, and Finishing school: Learning how to orgasm. She finds immense joy in spreading the message that we all deserve more from our sex lives. So welcome to the show Vanessa.
Thank you so much for having me. I’m really excited to be here today.
Yeah, I’m happy to have you, finally.
Yes.
So before we dive in, I’m going to ask you our signature question that I love to ask all of our guests. Will you please tell our listeners what your superpowers are?
Oh, I can list multiple?
Yeah.
I heard the S on the end of that.
Oh yeah.
Well, I would say definitely my major superpower is helping people feel comfortable talking about sex. I know it’s a tricky topic for most of us. And I think that, that’s one of my gifts is that I’m able to help set people at ease and just feel more comfortable talking about it. And then I would also say I really love giving people practical tools for working on their sex life too. So I think talking about sex is where we all have to start. It’s so integral, so crucial. But we also need to know specific things to do to start working towards the sex life that we want to have. And so I really enjoy that aspect of it as well. Coming up with practical solutions for people and giving them really tactical advice.
Yeah, I love that. It’s super important. Why do you think it is that it’s so hard for us to talk about sex?
We’re just not given any practice at it. Any good role models around it. And we’re given so much shame and embarrassment.
Yeah.
So really the only times that we do talk about sex are in really negative contexts. I’m talking about, what’s not allowed, what we’re not supposed to do. It will be bad if we do this or that. There’s an extremely long history of sexual shame and people being made to feel terrible about being sexual beings. So yeah, we’re just not really given any opportunities to do it.
And why is it important? I mean, obviously I’m asking this for our listeners.
Well, I’m sure you understand.
Why is it important for us to be able to talk about sex?
Because our sexuality is such an integral part of who we are and how we express ourselves and how we love. It’s so, so integral. And so if something is such a big part of us but we feel like we can’t even talk about it, where does that leave us? So I think communication is the most foundational part of having a healthy relationship with our own sexuality.
Yeah. So I agree with you. So when we’re talking about reigniting the spark in the bedroom, I mean, let’s be honest, when you’ve been with a partner for a while, things can get stale in the bedroom, right? We have our routines that we fall into or fall out of. I don’t know where this came from, but I remember when my husband and I were in couples therapy back right after my daughter was born and we’re like on the verge of divorce, right? It was a sleep deprived, fueled divorce.
But we learned that the hormones that really fuel a relationship, they only last a year and a half. I’m not quite sure where that number came from, but this was something that our therapist shared with us. So it’s after that year and a half mark, when you’re in that really exciting, hormone fueled experience, you kind of have to artificially create an environment that will spark and ignite passion. You can’t just rely on it just sort of being there. Right?
Absolutely. Yeah. And I think because we don’t talk about sex that openly, we’re left with so many sort of stereotypes about how things are supposed to work. And those beliefs can really end up getting in our way. So I think most of us, we talk about relationships as if we’re supposed to have this perfect, amazing chemistry with somebody right from the get go. And that chemistry is just supposed to sustain itself throughout the entire duration of the relationship. And if that chemistry flags at all, if you start struggling with your sex life, it doesn’t feel like the passion is there. Most people think that’s a sign that you’re not really compatible, that this isn’t the right person for you. So I think it’s really important for us to recognize that, that chemistry, first of all, it doesn’t just spontaneously occur. And it doesn’t just spontaneously and magically sustain itself throughout the course of a relationship.
Chemistry is something that we actively have to work on. So yes, it could definitely feel easier in the beginning of a relationship because things are new and it feels novel and exciting. But it’s something that requires a lot of active, ongoing effort. So that really is the first step is just recognizing this is not going to happen on its own. If this is something that’s important to me, to have a relationship that feels passionate and very intimate, it’s something that I have to work on and that we have to work on together.
And I feel like that is such an important piece to just, I want to magnify and explode that out into the world and just make a big banner sign that like it’s normal.
Uh-huh (affirmative).
It is normal for this to occur. It is normal to have to actually put some effort and focus into creating passion in your relationship, that it’s not going to just create itself.
Absolutely. Yeah. I think that it actually ends up being a way that we really distance ourselves from our sexuality. It’s like, “Oh, it’s just supposed to be something that kind of happens over there magically and spontaneously.” Rather than, “I want to own my sexuality and take responsibility for it and explore it and play with it. And figure out what I need to keep my desire revved up. To have fun in the bedroom, to feel really connected and intimate with my partner.” So I know sometimes when I first start talking to clients, they’re like, “Oh my God, this sounds like a lot of work and why can’t it just happen? That sounds a lot better.” But I try to share with them, like this is a really incredible and beautiful opportunity to grow as individuals and as a relationship. If you recognize that we have so much power and so much agency here and we can really get to explore ourselves and each other in a way that can feel so amazing.
Yes, and I really do believe that relationship in its highest form, it allows us to push. Because in order to do that work right, we have to push through discomfort within us. We have to grow ourselves. We have to go into places that might feel a little scary. And yet when we push beyond them, it is magical and it is passionate and it is incredible what can occur on the other side.
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay, so we are going to talk more about how to do that. We are going to go into a quick break before we go to break. Will you tell our listeners where they can go to find out more about you and your work?
Yes, I would love to connect with any of your listeners. You can find me on VMtherapy.com. That’s my website. I have a ton of free guides that are available there. You can sign up for our weekly emails. We send out emails every week with free tips and practical advice and suggestions.Â
And then you can also find me on social media. My favorite platform at the moment is Instagram. I do daily stories with different fun tips. And my husband comes on and we do stories together. So it’s a great way to connect with me on either one of those places.
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Awesome. Thank you. So we are talking with Vanessa Marin about reigniting the spark in the bedroom more when we get back. So stay tuned. This is going to be a really good episode.
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To listen to the entire show click on the player above or go to the SuperPower Up! podcast on iTunes.
Music Credit: All instruments played by Amanda Turk. Engineered and produced by Tatiana Berindei and Daniel Plane reelcello.com
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