Hello everyone and welcome. I’m your host Laura Greco and you are listening to SuperPower Mommas.
I am so privileged to have a guest with us today. We are talking on the topic of what is low esteem, diving beneath the surface. Kristi Hugstad is our guest today and she is the author of Beneath the Surface: A Teen’s Guide to Reaching Out When You or Your Friend Is In Crisis. Ever since her husband completed suicide in 2012 after years of struggling with clinical depression by running in front of a train, she has dedicated her life to helping to abolish the stigma of mental illness and suicide.
As a certified grief recovery specialist and a grief and loss facilitator for recovering addicts in South Coast Behavior Health, Kristi frequently speaks at high schools. She is also the host of the Grief Girl Podcast and lives in Orange County, California. So this is such an endearing topic to all of us mommas and dads who are raising children in this day and age.
I just want to thank you so much Kristi for coming on the show today.
Thank you so much for having me my pleasure.
Well I got an opportunity to look over your book, read a lot of it. I didn’t complete it yet but wow, really touching. Any of us who are parents, of course, want to keep our awareness around the struggles that our young people have today. And so, we always begin our show with a question and I wonder if you have contemplated this, but we would like to ask you what is your superpower, Kristi?
Well, my superpower, I think, is that I’m a natural teacher and I can be a chameleon and relate to the moms that I have in my grief recovery work as well as going into the schools and relate to all of the teens that I’m speaking to. So I would have to say that I have the natural gift of encouraging people of all ages to just open up and I help them understand what they’re going through and that most of it is a normal part of life.
And isn’t that interesting? I mean we say that’s a normal part of life and we think when we have our babies in the beginning that everything’s just going to be wonderful and we’re going to enjoy the fun and there’ll be diaper changing and some of the tantrums or whatever. But I don’t think that any of us really think about the impact that our world today is having on our young people as they’re going through their hormonal changes and being exposed to so many, many things in life that even I didn’t grow up with. I would love to ask you if you’d like to comment on that.
Well, growing up in today’s time and age is really difficult. I think you’re right that moms are not prepared because it’s not like it was when we were kids. Our youth is with technology, they are 24/7. They are comparing themselves to their peers. They want to get likes, they want to be accepted, and they don’t have that safe place that we had. At least for me, when I got home from school, being at home was my safe place and if anybody wanted to bully me or cyber bully me, they couldn’t. Number one, they would have to call my house. So, the problem now is that our teens don’t have that safe place and I think a lot of moms don’t realize that. “Hey you know what? Maybe it’s my job as a parent to create that safe place for them because technology leaves them vulnerable 24/7.” I think it is something that moms are really figuring out as their kids grow up.
Yeah, I agree and it is true. I mean it was even when my children, when my kids were growing up, it was still not so much the cell phone stuff that we see today. Bullying is huge.
Oh yeah. And you know what? It’s a tough call because as their mom, you want them to be accepted, and loved and fit in and be a part of the community of their friends at school. So that hard part as a mom is like “How do I restrict the use of their phones?” You want them to fit in with their peers but you don’t want them to develop a technology addiction and be dependent on the feedback from what’s going on at school and the likes they’re getting on Snapchat and Instagram. So it’s really hard to navigate how much of that do you restrict. So, that’s really, really tough as a parent.
Yeah, it is. I’m sure that it is part of the reason you decided to write this book Beneath the Surface, right?
Well, I’m actually a credentialed health teacher and when I go to the schools and I talk to the teens and the teachers and the administrators, they’re so relieved that I’m there because they tell me the feedback that I get is, “This is such a tough topic and I don’t even know where to begin to address it.”
So I have not bought into the stigma of mental illness. I’m passionate about educating everybody at getting all of us on the same page. So there was a void out there of a resource that is not a textbook and I kept that in mind when I was writing it. Talk to the teens, not let them down. Don’t make it 5,000 pages.
And most importantly, not only address all the issues that our teens are facing today but to help parents, teachers, administrators or anybody with a loved teen in their life rather than just say we need to start the conversation now those are just words. How about if I actually give you the questions to engage in a conversation with each other and with our team? So in the back of the book, you may have not gotten to that part yet, for each chapter I wrote questions so that you can sit down with your kids and say, “Hey, let’s go over some of these questions.” And I do that work for you so you feel comfortable talking about it to your teens.
It was an attempt for me to control something in my life when everything else was out of control but here’s where this gets a little more serious.
Isn’t that awesome? And just so that the parents out there understand my youngest daughter who I have permission to share this with others if it can help. She developed anorexia and I have to say, I knew nothing. When I began to see the signs of it, I was blown away first of all because I thought that I was doing everything to protect her in the environment, her social element.
I was very engaged with my children and yet, there were some other things going on and I went out and bought three books just to educate myself to find out what in the world was I dealing with. So having a handbook, I see this as a handbook to really educate us on what we’re looking for and not to be overly negative. I don’t mean that but just to be aware.
Well, yes. And you know I have a separate chapter on eating disorders because it is not one or two people out there it is a huge issue with our teens. I myself had anorexia as a teen and thinking back, I realize that it was the only thing at that point in my life that I could control and that was my weight. It was an attempt for me to control something in my life when everything else was out of control but here’s where this gets a little more serious.
There’s a lot of these issues that I discussed, substance abuse, eating disorders, bullying. A lot of those issues can lead to depression and when our teens or our youth are in that depressed state, it doesn’t lift that is when it gets serious because that can lead to suicidal ideation. So that’s why it’s so important for all of you as moms to know what those warning signs are. Understand the isolation, the withdrawal, the change in friends, the declining grades, the skipping school, all of those warning signs are a cry for help and they should signal you that your child needs help.
And yeah, when we think about what is low esteem how would you describe that?
Well, I think the low self esteem for teens comes from not getting the acceptance from their peers. They’re at such a vulnerable age and their brains are just starting to develop so they are so easily influenced by their environment and the people in their life that that is why there’s a lot, there’s a real uprise in teen suicide because of the bullying and the peers that are making those teens feel like they don’t belong. And that is bringing their self esteem and their self-confidence down to such a place where they just don’t want to be here anymore. It’s just too painful.
And it’s not so much that they want to die. It’s just that they want to end the pain of not belonging and not being accepted. So yeah, that’s part of parenting, as well as to reassure your kids that they matter and they’re not alone and that they’re loved.
And so, it’s a real, real tough time to be a kid because your self esteem is usually predicated on your response and your reaction from your peers.
And what you believe to be true, the responses that you’re getting.
Exactly.
Because it seems to me that that is what actually is going on, it’s what we choose to believe.
Right. You know what, their world is so small.
And they’re so young and inexperienced.
And this is what scares me. Their brains are really not fully develop until about age 25 and that’s part of their brain, the prefrontal cortex that’s responsible for making good decisions it’s not happening. So, my concern for kids and parents is that these teens are wired to act impulsively.
Yeah, they are.
And if you think back to when you were young, I mean all the stupid things that we did and then later thought, “What were we thinking?” And then maybe go, “Whoa! I can’t believe I did that.” So once they grow and their brain fully develops, they might stop and think of the consequences of the choice of their actions. But not when they’re teens. So that’s why it’s so important to teach our kids to reach out for help if they’re struggling because the suicide for them is also an impulsive act and they don’t have that luxury of thinking back of, “Wow, maybe that wasn’t such a good choice.”
Right. They’re just in a vulnerable time in life altogether because of their faculties not being fully developed. So, as adults, we may not always remember that and so, it’s really important for us to consider that and I really appreciate you bringing this out.
Kristi, we have to take a break but before we go, I just want to first let everyone know where they can find you. Can you let them know where they can find you?
The best place to find me is on my website at thegriefgirl.com and that’s got all of my blogs, my podcasts. If you want me to come to your school or if you want me to speak to an organization, everything is on my website.
Great. And that’s where they can also find the book correct?
Absolutely. It’s also available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Target, Walmart or any bookstores all over the country.
Great. Beneath the Surface: A Teen’s Guide to Reaching Out When You or Your Friend Is In Crisis. So you’re listening to SuperPower Mommas and we are speaking with Kristi Hugstad. We are speaking on what is lowest esteem, diving beneath the surface.
So hold on, we’ll be right back. We’re going to get a little bit deeper into this topic.
To listen to the entire show click on the player above or go to the SuperPower Up! podcast on iTunes.
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