Hello everyone and welcome to the Sex, Love and SuperPowers podcast show. I’m your host, Tatiana Berindei, and I’m really excited to have with us today, Nancy Ruth Deen. We’re going to be talking about getting through a breakup, which is awesome because this is so not my lane and so I’m so excited to have her here to provide some real valuable information for you.
Let me tell you a little bit about her before we dive in here today. Nancy is a breakup coach, a former matchmaker, contributor, facilitator, and personal development junkie. Working in the relationship industry for five years, she’s learned one major thing: most of us have no idea how to process a breakup in a healthy, conscious way. She’s made it her mission to help men and women all over the world to get the proper support they need during a breakup, through private one-on-one coaching.
She’s been featured in Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, Bustle, Global News, and UK’s Heart radio, and I’m so happy to have her with us on the show today. Welcome Nancy.
Thank you so much for having me.
Yeah. Before we get down and dirty with it, will you tell our listeners what your superpowers are?
I would say when it comes to conducting a session or having somebody come right before my eyes, they do everything online, but when we’re really connecting, I think it’s just being so present with that person and letting them feel and experience everything as it is. Right? Not forcing them to change or forcing them to fix anything, just really embodying that present moment with them.
Mm, beautiful. And what do you feel like that gives to them?
I think on a deep level, I think it gives all of us, when we’re really heard and seen in that way by being present, it just gives us this beautiful validation that again, we don’t need to change, that we are evolving and ultimately, that we really are being heard and seen by somebody else.
Yes, yes. And I have found it also, it can give just space to make our feelings okay. Right? That it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to feel people, especially if you’re going through a breakup. Let’s talk about this. I’m sure you know two people who are tuning into this episode are curious to know how to get through a breakup because they’re probably in it or they have someone in their life who’s in it. What’s the most common thing that you see when people come to you and they’re dealing with a breakup?
The first thing that really comes through is firstly, people thinking that they weren’t supposed to break up and how that idea actually delays the healing process. When people are coming over and they’re sharing their stories, it just so happens that it’s always starting with this wasn’t supposed to happen. And then it morphs to how do I get them back? And then I bring them on this awareness journey where it’s, well, what if you’re supposed to be going through your breakup and what if it’s supposed to be teaching you something?
I bet a lot of people don’t like hearing that.
They don’t.
I could just imagine being met with a lot of resistance in presenting it that way initially.
Well, here’s where it gets really interesting. Most people don’t end up finding me before they’ve already gone through their friends who have told them not to feel the way that they feel, that they should just do this specific methodology, and you should try this, and you need to do this. And really telling, it’s almost like if you don’t have the recipe for holding space for somebody, then don’t bother giving them any advice. Right?
Seriously. Yes.
And I really think that when people come to me and they inquire and they make the time to say, okay, what’s going on here? Why have I been repeating this same story? Why haven’t I been healing? Why is this taking so much time? What is really going on?
And so, what I do is, I don’t tell them what to do. I show them that there are other things to see that are greater than the picture and the story that they’ve been painting for months and even years.
You know, it’s interesting because I think oftentimes when we’re in pain or we’re going through a hard time, we will initially seek out the people who are going to co-sign with us in that pain, who are going to be like, Oh my god, yes, they’re such an asshole, or whatever it is that that part of us that is hurting, feels like it needs to feel validated. I think it’s pretty common. It’s pretty unconscious, but it’s pretty common that we go to the people who are going to coddle these little parts of us that don’t necessarily need to be coddled, but that’s what they want, right, those parts and pieces that are making us suffer, they like to take center stage.
Well, exactly. The added part to what you just said there is kind of we go, and we do exactly that. We strategically and also subconsciously, are being guided to people who will feed into our story. And our story is, our ex did this to us, anything that takes away the personal responsibility, a lot of the time. And then, because even though they’re co-signing and they’re coming together and they’re feeding the story, what interestingly happens on a conscious level, is the following day maybe you decide, let’s say yesterday, that you were venting to your friend and your ex is a butt hole of all sorts. And then, the next day you decide to message your ex and you’re feeling completely undone, but you go to that same person and then they pretty much say, well, why did you do that to yourself? I thought you don’t like them. Right?
So then that friend or that family member or that peer is now almost taking away the experience that comes with a breakup, where everything is an ebb and flow all the time, but now you feel like you’re not in this safe space anymore, whereas yesterday you were safe when you were feeding this story. Now you’re shifting a little bit and feeling something different. And then your peers are saying, well, you shouldn’t feel that way. Things were different yesterday.
Mm, Mm. Okay, so we’re going to dive more, you mentioned something about personal responsibility, which we’re all about on this show, and people don’t necessarily love to hear about it, but some people do because people do keep listening and tuning in.
We’re going to dive more into that when we get back from the break, but we do have to go quickly. Will you tell our listeners where they can go to find out more about you and your work before we break?
Yeah, hellobreakup.com.
Awesome. We are talking with Nancy Ruth Deen about getting through a breakup and much more on this topic when we get back. So, stay tuned. You don’t want to miss it.
To listen to the entire show click on the player above or go to the SuperPower Up! podcast on iTunes.
Music Credit: All instruments played by Amanda Turk. Engineered and produced by Tatiana Berindei and Daniel Plane reelcello.com
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