How intimate is your understanding of your own sexual hardwiring? Have you ever experienced “sexual incompatibility” with your partner? Did you know there is something you can do about it? In this episode, SLSP host Tatiana Berindei talks with Jaiya Ma, creator of the Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough mapping system and quiz. This revolutionary system plots a map of your arousal and helps you to more deeply understand what turns you on, what doesn’t, and how to expand more fully into your unique expression of your sexuality. Tune in to hear what the 5 different blueprint types are, what their shadows are, and how using them you can better understand your partner’s sexual needs and desires, as well as your own. Breakthrough the myth of sexual incompatibility! Listen in now.
Hello everyone, and welcome to the Sex, Love and SuperPowers podcast show. I’m your host, Tatiana Barindei, and today I am so delighted to have with me our guest, Jaiya Ma. We are going to be getting intimate with your erotic blueprint today. This is going to be such a fun show. Let me tell you a little bit about Jaiya before we get started. Internationally recognized award winning sexologist and bestselling author of Red Hot Touch, Jaiya is the creator of the Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough and the Erotic Blueprint Quiz. Through more than two decades of client observation and clinical research, she discovered a map of arousal that reveals your specific erotic language of arousal, a revolutionary framework to create deeper connection and sexual satisfaction. Welcome to the show, Jaiya.
Yay. Oh, I’m so pleased to be here and so grateful. Thank you so much for having me.
Yeah, and really, thank you so much for joining us here. Before we dive in, I’m really curious to hear your answer to the question, what are your superpowers?
Oh my goodness, so many superpowers, but it is sex, and I do teach in sex. I’m going to share my orgasmic super powers. I have the ability to have hundreds and hundreds of orgasms. To me, it’s like I jump into a wave of orgasmic energy and it just starts to ripple through my whole body, and once it gets going, it’s actually hard to stop. I have I guess the superpower of having multidimensional, nonstop, full-bodied orgasms that just roll and roll and roll for hours.
Love it. Oh, love it. Yes, I’ve tapped into a little bit of that myself too, and that is a very fun superpower.
Yeah. Okay, so tell us about the Erotic Blueprints, and I’m really curious how you came up with this, how you discovered it, how it revealed itself to you.
Yeah, so I’ve been working in the field of sexuality from the body’s point of view, so more of a somatic, we call it somatic sexology, for over two decades now. In that time, I have had the opportunity to work with thousands of bodies, and what I started to notice over the years, this was probably 12-13 years into my practice, was a pattern. One couple would come in and they’d say, “We’re having trouble with arousal or orgasm,” or “We’re just not feeling attracted to each other,” and I would do something I’d done a session before that worked, but then it didn’t work. Then it would be this discovery session of, “Okay, well what works for this person?” I started calling it different ways that people were wired erotically, and I’ll never forget my first, like the light bulb went off session, and I was working with this couple. I was hovering my hands about two feet off of his body, and all of a sudden his body started kind of shivering and jerking and quaking, and he got this really big erection and his wife’s eyes tripled in size.
Both of them were looking at me like, “What is going on?” because this had been a problem in their relationship. She’d been reading the magazine sex tips and trying all that stuff that we think we should be doing, and nothing was working to build the arousal. Here I wasn’t even touching, and the arousal went through the roof, and he was having orgasm. All the stuff started happening, and that was my first really big aha moment of “Wait a minute. Some people are wired energetically.” That’s one of the blueprints which we’ll talk about.
Then it also came out of my own pain. Sometimes as a healer I heal myself, but at this particular time, I’d just had a baby and my partner and I were really trying to find our way back. I’d come to bed at night and initiate sex. Here I was, I already had written three books and, I had a lot of success around being a sex expert or whatever, and here I was trying all these different things with my partner. I tried strip tease class, and I’d get down to the floor in my G-string and be all writhing around, and he’d say things like, “That’s just too obvious. Why are you doing that?” I didn’t understand at this time yet. Like, the light bulb hadn’t fully gone off with these blueprints, so then I just felt bad and felt like he must not like my body anymore after having a baby, or I started making up all kinds of stories because that’s all you can do in that situation. Then I’m coming to bed saying, “Let’s have sex,” and he’s like, “I’m tired.”
Then I’m in the car and I reach in between his legs and started touching his genitals while he’s driving, and he’d look at me and be like, “Why are you doing that? I’m trying to drive.” I’m like, “But isn’t this what I’m supposed to be doing?” I know all the sex tips. I know how to give great oral sex and I know how to touch my partner. I wrote the books on the techniques and I can’t get my partner to have sex with me, so this became a crying myself to sleep at night situation. If you can imagine, everyone who’s listening, I’m rolling myself to bed at night on one side, and he’s rolling to the opposite side, and I’m crying. I’m crying quietly, and he just starts snoring. He gets to sleep really easily, but he is having the thoughts of “I’m not very confident. I don’t know how to turn her on,” because he actually was initiating sex, but I was missing all of the signals because I didn’t speak the same language that he did.
Part of these blueprints came out of a time that was really painful in our relationship where we started questioning staying together after we had a baby, and me really hitting rock bottom of do I even love this person? Like, who is this person I made a baby with? We’re just not connecting anymore. We just lost our way, but yet I was determined. That went on for a little while, but I was really determined to get us back on track. The deciding moment, the turnaround moment, there’s a very happy ending to the story. The turnaround moment for me was to no longer have those thoughts. I just wasn’t going to allow myself to have one foot out the door anymore. I was going to put both feet in, and I said 100% commitment. No matter what it takes, I’m going to figure this thing out, and I’m going to do it for a year. If at the end of this year, this is not different, then I will leave or whatever is going to happen will happen at that point, but I was going to commit for one entire year. All in, 100%, whatever it took, I would make all the changes and I wasn’t going to tell him that I did that.
I ended up telling him 10 months in, just because it was such an amazing moment. We were in Jamaica on a pier and there was a lightning storm out over the ocean, and we were served food in this big bed on the pier. It was just an epic moment, so I told him then.
I love that. There’s so much power in commitment, so much power in commitment. It’s interesting; you say the one foot in, one foot out. It’s something I’ve been, just in my own personal life, thinking about a lot lately. Just real quick, what do you think- I mean, I’m making an assumption here because you wrote the books and because of the work that you’ve been doing, that your sex life before you had a baby was pretty good with your husband?
And it’s not uncommon for the sex life to change postpartum. That’s an incredibly common thing that I personally don’t think we talk enough about, so there’s so much shame around it because no one’s talking about, like, yeah, that’s going to change and it’s going to change drastically and whatever. But what do you think, like what was the main shift?
I think the first piece was in the beginning of a relationship; your blueprints tend to be a little bit more sexual. I’ll put it that way. Things are hot, biochemically, things are new. We were in a new relationship, so I was pregnant about a year into our relationship.
Okay, got you.
So we had this newness and novelty, and we weren’t living together, and there were a lot of things there that made that really hot. But what happens over time, as time progresses, the biochemistry changes in a relationship. You have a baby, that’s a huge biochemical shift. You have-
Not to mention sleep deprivation.
Definitely. He had a really great business, and I think it was 2009, and the business crashed, right? Now a guy who’s supporting the family, all of a sudden the finances dry up two weeks after our son was born. So we have a new baby, financial struggle, and biochemical. Huge. We were co-sleeping, which I wouldn’t change for anything. Our son is so amazing, but the co-sleeping…
Creates a hormonal situation in which he was having more estrogen in his body and lower testosterone, so his drive was just not there. Plus, then you start to default into what is your blueprint, and his blueprint is not one of high drive, and mine is. Even though I had pelvic pain- after our son was born, I had a major tear. We can talk about this. I know you have a lot of moms who listen.
I had a major pelvic floor tear, which then caused an inability to have intercourse because I grew scar tissue up over my vaginal opening, so I had that.
I’m so sorry to pause you. We do have to go to break, and I don’t want you to have to stop this story because this is really important to hear the full thing. We have to go to a quick break, so will you please tell our listeners where they can go to find out more about you, and then we can.
Okay. We are talking with Jaiya Ma. We are getting intimate with your erotic blueprint, and obviously this is a really important story, so you’re just going to stay tuned because you want to hear the rest of it, just like I do.