Super Power Experts - Mourning the Loss of Your Old Self

So much changes when you become a mom. Losing yourself and who you were before becomes so easy. With the ongoing demands of parenthood and the expectations of who you think you’re supposed to be now, finding an identity that feels like the real-you AND the mom-you gets tricky. On this coaching episode of A Glimpse Inside, host Wendy Perrotti helps Victoria navigate those turbulent waters. Tune in to learn how it’s 100% possible to live in full, purposeful alignment with who you were then, who you are now and who you want to be.

Welcome to A Glimpse Inside. I’m Wendy. You’re listening to episode two of our four part series on being a great mom and not losing your identity. As SuperPower Momma, Laura Greco and I discussed on episode one of this series, getting there can sometimes feel hopeless.

I know that when my kids were little, it did for me at one point, but I assure you it is 100% possible. And committing to it isn’t just good for you, it’s really, really good for your kids too. My coaching guest today is navigating these waters in her own life and learning that sometimes mourning the loss of your old pre-kids self can be a part of that process.

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Before we hear from Victoria, I want to have a quick reminder of how we roll here on A Glimpse Inside coaching episodes. This is a no advice, no judgment zone. We are all about creating a space where every one of us can examine the unexamined. Those wants that you’re afraid to admit out loud, even to yourself. The fears that fly in and out of your head and are kind of like vapor. They’re not even fully defined sometimes. The stories that we tell ourselves about what is, and isn’t good or bad for us. And even more, the stories we tell ourselves about what is, and isn’t possible for us. We are not fixing anyone. You don’t need fixing. You’re perfectly fine the way you are, but when you’re yearning for more or something in your life feels kind of hollow, it means you’re ready to grow. And unlike change, growth sticks, growth only happens in one direction. Absolutely nothing in nature ungrows and neither will you.

Welcome, Victoria.

Thank you so much for having me here. I’m so excited to begin this journey with you.

I’m really excited to have you here too. And I also want to thank you for agreeing to do this work on the show so that other people can benefit. We see ourselves in others, and that really can sometimes be the catalyst for our own personal change. So, thank you for that.

No, thank you. And it’s a wonderful process too, because I feel like we gain so much from sharing our stories from others and just advice and wisdom. And when people have the courage to share, they just gain so much in return too.

Thank you so much for having me here. I’m so excited to begin this journey with you.

Right on sister. So before we start coaching, I’d like us to take a few minutes and learn a little bit about you. What’s important for us to know about you?

Well, so I’m a mom of two boys, a five year old and a three year old. And before I became a mom, I was actually an actor. I started when I was about 10 years old taking acting lessons. And then in college, I went to NYU School of the Arts for Acting. And after that, after I got out into the real world, I realized, Oh my goodness, I have to make a living doing this. So I actually started working in theater marketing for a while, and that was wonderful and I loved it. But when we decided that we were going to have kids, my husband and I, I realized that I needed to make a living but also pay for babysitting and daycare. And I realized that, Oh goodness, I have to make a decision if I want to be a mom or I want to have a full time job.

And so when my husband and I finally had our first, I quit my job and I became a full time mom, which was such a journey and so hard because you feel like you’re giving up a little bit of your identity in the process. But it’s had its challenges, but also immense benefits. And I just feel so lucky that I get to spend this time with my kids.

Awesome. So many of us make those choices. And for those of you who have made the opposite choice, decided to keep your job and be a mom, take a listen too. Because a lot of these things apply, no matter which side of that decision we’re on, we’re really in it together. There’s a lot of compromise in being a parent. So Victoria, we have two sessions together. What would you do you like to create or have happen as a result of that time that we’re spending with one another?

Well, I would really want to feel comfortable in the decisions that I’m making. I feel like sometimes when I’m in the process of making a decision, whether it’s my own identity or how my own identity affects me being a mom, if I’m giving up something being a mom with regards to my identity, I think that sometimes I just feel uncertain of my decisions. And I even find myself judging my own choices as a mom and just kind of feeling like I’m stuck in this identity. And when my kids grow up, as they are now going to school more and there’s less time at home and they’re spending more time at school, I feel like as that happens and as that process happens, I’m sort of stuck with who I am. Right?

Because the last five years of my life have been raising my kids and as they grow up more and form their own identities and are in school more, what will my identity be like in the coming years? And even now, will it mean I get a part time job? Will it mean that I stay a full time mom? It’s all those questions. And so as I get more comfortable into the identity of being a mother, I just want to that I’m supported in my own decisions that I’m making as a mom and as a person.

That’s perfect. It’s crystal clear and really, really important work. We so often judge ourselves and feel uncertain. Am I doing this right? Am I doing it wrong?

Yes.

And I’m going to hop all the way to the end and then we’ll do the how in the coaching, of how we’re going to get you there, but I’m going to hop right to the end. Honey, you cannot get it wrong. There is no right. There is no wrong. It’s all about doing our best and leaning into our own identity, our own sense values, and feeling both trust and peace in the choices that we make every day. And everybody can learn to do that.

And it’s so good to be reminded of that too, because I feel like we have this internal thing that’s always judging, whether that’s an outside force or not. I really have not encountered judgy moms and I’m so grateful because I have a wonderful support system of mothers. But I feel like I have this internal thing happening all the time as you’re doing a bad job, you’re not making the right choice and how will that affect your two kids? And so it’s hard, it’s hard to trust yourself enough to know that you’re doing everything you can to do the best you can. Right? And sometimes what I’m realizing, especially as I’m homeschooling my boys now because of the COVID, I’m realizing that we’re just all in it together and we’re all doing the best we possibly can at that moment. Right? Sometimes you’re going to have more to give sometimes you’re not, but at that moment you’re doing the best you possibly can.

Yeah. And it’s so hard to trust ourselves and to remember emotionally what we already understand intellectually and to merge those two things. Like when we’re living in the thick of life.

No, it’s so true. It’s just when you’re in it, you’re in it and it’s hard to be reflective or gain perspective on it when you’re in it. Right? So it’s a process and I always find myself trying to get more out of it and get more out of questioning and just trying to feel comfortable, like I said, with my own choices and my own decisions as a mother. That’s all we can ask of ourselves is to trust our gut and be comfortable with your choices. And that applies to not being a mother too, it’s like as a person, we have to hold onto those values because that’s all we got. Right? We have ourselves and we have our instinct and our gut feelings and so we’re doing the best we can.

Yeah. And you know what, this is a fantastic starting point for you and we’re going to walk you through exactly how you can build that self-trust. We’re going to take a super duper quick break here. Everybody stay with us. We’ll be right back. And we’re going to get into coaching Victoria and offering you some tips and some tricks that you can use to help with your own growth and transformation.

We’ll be right back.