Confessions of a Bully – Part 2
In the last post on bullying I mentioned the power of our language patterns in encouraging bullying behavior.
veiled threats, discipline and
totally socially-acceptable conversation patterns
to such goodness from each other because
it provides temporary soothing to the
gaping wound of our own disempowerment.
And we wonder why our kids “bully.”
(Link to post)
This connection between “socially-acceptable conversation patterns” and bullying continues to emerge around me. As I looked deeper into the roots of personal POWER I was led to the concepts of bullying and the persistence of violent behavior. And I found there’s an undeniable thread between how we view other people and our ability to manipulate them to get what we want.
To isolate bullying to only situations in which the perpetrators resort to violence is like saying that rape is the only legitimate form of sexual abuse. Even though violent bullying is the most unpalatable, it typically escalates from non-violent forms…namely verbal manipulation. And perhaps the answer to bullying lies somewhere at its inception.
These are the things I ponder throughout my days. I even pondered them while I skimmed Facebook. It was then that this image caught my eye. At first I thought, “Awesome! Another good reminder that bullying is the issue du jour and we have an opportunity to have a serious conversation about it.” But then I thought, “I AM against bullying, maybe I should repost this. But I don’t really WANT to repost this on my page, mostly because the image tells me to repost it. BUT, I have a heart. If I don’t repost it, will people think I don’t have a heart?”
As I went through that thought process I realized that even in this seemingly innocuous Facebook image, the chosen language intends to manipulate. Before everyone jumps on this and slams me for making a mountain our of a molehill, let me suggest that the molehill might be a mountain. Let me explain…
Years ago I attended a spiritual center gathering. The topic of the conversation was sarcasm. Now being a die-hard sharp-witted, forked-tongue, sarcasm-specialist, my ego threw a fit. The conversation continually demanded that all sarcasm feeds the ego, fears and insecurity of the individual wielding it. Not only that, but it operates at a very low vibration that can only attract to it similar platitudes. “What a crock!” my overbearing, highly-educated ego insisted.
But over the following weeks I paid closer attention. Every time I made a witty, sarcastic retort, I assessed my energy. Sure enough, I only made these remarks when I felt smallish or irritated with myself. And it always had a little kernel of truth behind the jab or taunt. I started to see the pattern of passive-aggressiveness in my language patterns. So I had plenty opportunities to gauge my energy when others made sarcastic remarks to me.
I never heard an example of sarcasm that didn’t poke fun at or insult someone else, regardless of the clams of the perpetrator. My eyes flew open with understanding that the words and intonation we use in our everyday communication truly create the world around us.
So, as is my pattern, once I recognize this…I stopped. Literally, I stopped using sarcasm and passive-aggresive remarks in my communication. But the only problem with this was I truly didn’t know how to speak any other way. Each time I started to open my mouth, I thought about what I was about to say and had to stop. Even my attempts at rephrase fell into the category of needless, mean-spirited speech. It got to the point where I simply stopped talking.
Then I started paying attention. I listened more intently to people who were kind, good-natured, positive and I observed the way they interacted with the world. Where once I found them boring and not too bring, I now felt them to be attractive and irresistible. It was as though someone flipped my magnetic poles and I now attracted the heart-centered people and repelled the ego-centered ones. I felt like my entire world got flipped…but for the better.
I “lost” relationships that simply faded away and fielded tons of criticism about how I changed and was “different” as though within relationships we have an unspoken agreement to remain stagnant. It stung at first, but the detachment felt more natural as time passed.
The environments I chose socially necessarily changed and I initially felt like a fish out of water. But again as time passed I settled into my heart-centered existence and perceived the world through compassion. I continue to operate through that filter today. I occasionally slip and immediately recognize the icki-ness of that realm. It doesn’t take me long to run away.
So my point to all of this is that even though verbal/virtual/social manipulation appears innocent enough within the context of our societal standards, perhaps the kernel of truth is these societal standards implicitly condone bullying and violence. By analyzing the root causes that allow minor manipulation to thread its way into the tapestry of our existence we discover the same seed that sprouts violence. In essence, by mentally separating ourselves from those around us in a way that allows us to demonize or villainize them, we open the floodgates to larger, more serious crimes.
The take-away from this is parents, educators, administrators, managers, bosses and mentors may have more power than they realize to thwart bullying at home, in schools, in the workplace and in society. By first monitoring the environment for pervasive, unhealthy language patterns and then assessing individuals with regard to in-group/out-group dynamics, we begin to predict violent behavior before it becomes an issue.
This isn’t a quick-fix, bandage approach. It took me months to alter my own language patterns and I was extremely motivated to do it. But the more people who stop using sarcasm and passive-aggressive speech patterns the better chance we have of creating an empathetic society standard that uses compassion as the kernel of truth rather than manipulation.
About the Author: From the corporate world to the spy world and from rape victim to motherhood, Tonya Dawn Recla embodies the definition of personal power. She holds a B.A. in intercultural communication and M.A. in education/critical theory from Arizona State University. Her current projects include finishing her second book, The Dragon Queen, and providing intuitive consulting to her decision-making, change-agent clients (TonyaDawn.com). She and her husband currently travel the world with their 3 year-old daughter.
